"Casual Helplessness"

It was the typical school day, wandering the halls, irked by couples holding hands and practically making out here and there, the usual gossip about the fight on one of the lunch shifts the day before, and the usual pent up angst within me.

By lunch I was really just out of it, but like the rest of the hours I did my best mostly to hide it, pretending to be "tired" when I'm actually just a little down. Heh, meanwhile another one of my friends was really out of it. I mean, there was something really bothering her, it was written all over her face and the way she was during that time period. (out of respect I will not say her name)

There is something about seeing friends really down or frustrated about something that sometimes makes me wish I could help, since I know what its like to go through such angst and stress and not having anyone to be able to talk to about it. Heh, that really bad time was before I even started blogging (unless you count the "Summer relapse" that occured for a while). I mean, I want to help... but I don't want to be intrusive or pry. That would only make it worse.

Funks come and go in your attitude, but when you see someone you know seemingly hit a low you feel obligated to try and help. Maybe I'm just a fool for giving a fuck while whenever I have a problem no one gives a damn.

I know I should probably assume that she'll be fine, but, I can't whole heartedly buy into that. It's not that I don't think she can't handle it, I mean, apparently there have problems for quite a while, but, what happens if things get so bad in her mind to where she can't or subconsciously won't? And what if no one steps in to try and help? What might happen then as a result?

Why does it even matter to me so much? That's another question I'm posing to myself. And how am I supposed to do that when I've got some problems of my own (while I realize others have worse problems, or at least they are bothering them far more than me.). Granted mine I just ignore as best I can with some success, but... damn it. I'm uncertain what to do or what to think.

I used to have these self defaming jokes ages ago I did when I had little self confidence, which I called "Me Bashers". And this friend of mine partially does the same, mentioning how horrible of a person she thinks she is. How do you help someone when they are convinced what they feel is right? How can you justify that what you feel on the matter in comparison is right, though... Damn it, I don't want to get into philosophy right now, or else I'll never come to an answer.

Right now there is no option other than "wait and see". I mean, its bothering me, yeah, but, there have been bright sides to my day. My 6th hour for example kicked ass. Outdoor Ed, we just played ping pong. It was so retarded after a while that it was great.

So, if there is a bright side, and someone can't see it (like my friend who doesn't necessarily deserve to be so troubled)... Is there some way you can help them see it? That's part of the dilemma. The other dilemma is how tight lipped she is when like that. I can understand that, I am too, somewhat, unless I have friends around. That is something that always brings up my spirits at least somewhat. But then I really cling to privacy and isolation; "being alone". That also helps, too at times.

Blah. Helpless. It sucks to feel helpless, when you know trying to help is warranted (at least in your mind, maybe not in the person that you want to "help").

And, it took a day like this, where I ended up hitting a bit of a low because of the combo of my problems and those of a friend, to finally get back on AIM -- to kick things into gear, to better things. Heh. And when it comes to staying off AIM for a few days even after reinstalling it: I had been stalling the inevitable:

Cardsfan6734 (2:48:28 PM): hey mr. propaganda

*sigh*, but, other than the above stuff, there really isn't much to ramble about right now. All I can do about the above is hope for the best and just get on with my own life for the night... which'll include the obligatory insomnia until after 2 a.m. on school nights. Heh. And now that my post-walk home break to cool off (especially after "hardcore" ping pong all 6th hour!) is over, I'm going to get some errands and assignments done that I've been putting off for a few days now.

End note:
Ah, part of me has missed the following so much:

Cardsfan6734 (3:59:56 PM): president bush is a uniter not a divider
NR363avs (4:00:16 PM): rofl